so i'm awake in the middle of the night
and everything is bathed in a different light
where it sits in shadows that are defined
by the light that manages to trace contours
from the black and dark blue

to my eyes the shadows never dance
they never seem to leap
from place to place
never animated
but they seem to stare at me,
waiting for a moment to strike
maybe when i turn my night eyes
onto some new shadow frozen in place
by my watchful night gaze

i can't sleep at this moment
i haven't figured out why
my eyes and body felt adrift
but my mind remained planted
playing familiar songs
replaying familiar memories
breaking up the comfort of my silence
with waking life
and images of love and light

sometimes i try to figure out
what i'm actually doing in life
like i'm just kinda flailing helplessly
against a tide
of my own ennui
of my own middle class dissatisfaction
a lingering thought in my head
that i'm just another destined fuckup
with no prospects in life
that i'm just a useless waste of space
ready to be shuffled off
ready to just die

but i try not to think about those things
because i know life is about more than that
or at least i believe that
(concrete knowledge of such things
is so slippery and difficult to perceive)
(i personally think life
is meaningless
and that we just have to make our own
meaning)
so i go about my day trying to do things
things that make life worth living
taking up hobbies
taking up activities
anything to keep my mind off
the simple fact
that i will
die
someday, hopefully in the far future.

when you feel like
there's nothing more for you to think about
when you feel like
there's nothing more
there's nothing more
there's nothing more
for you to really care about
and the eyes of the world
shift their gaze away from you
and you feel free for once in your
adult life when people
would constantly judge you
and they would stare
and they would point and laugh
laugh at your misery
(at least you thought it was misery)
and you would change how you acted
because in this world
you are in public even when you don't
mean to be
and you are always being watched
even if you aren't doing anything

a poem

every single day
there's a small
tap tap tap tap tap tap
of metal on glass
and i keep trying to remember
why i care about this sound
this
tap tap tap tap tap tap
of metal on glass

i get up and try to put it out
but the sound just finds me again
and i sit on the couch
as i check all the useless things
that make up our lives
and replace any meaningful interaction
(but i really don't care about this
abstraction of actual human beings
into voiceless words on a page
is more comforting than the reality
that they are real people with
hopes
faith
lives
loves)
and i try to forget about the sound
because it dogs me endlessly

i kiss my wife goodbye as she goes to work
and i see her drive off
make the sign that says "i love you"
and i make it back
i hope and (though i won't admit it) pray
that she gets to work alright
and i don't get a phone call or
two cops at my door
telling me they are sorry
that the one person
the one person i gave all my love to
the first person i see in the morning
the last person i see at night
is gone
and i am left alone
in a cold world without a wife
without a love that gives me strength
and hope

(i am rambling no?
i seem to have moved beyond the
tap tap tap tap tap tap
of metal on glass
that plagues me so
but i suppose that it doesn't really matter
in my world where i don't care
about sounds when the rest of the noise
that makes up life
begins to drown out that incessant
tap tap tap tap tap tap
of metal on glass)

RE:Finally heard "California Gurls" at a weeding a couple weeks ago

did you hear this is a test not a test but a test in name only
why did you not listen to me when you said
that you wanted to eat chocolate and sticky buns
you only wanted
to eat them
while i watched
while i stared at you
covered in food and writhing in pleasure
you are smooth all over
the food does not stick to any hairs
because you have none

why must you torment me
covered in precious sweets
only leaving me an empty teacup
with a packet of old earl grey tea from two years ago
birds stop on the windowsill and laugh at me
because i am not covered in honey and
gooey gooey chocolate

this is torture
i see you simply licking it off
like you were the tastiest cat in the world
and i cry
because i know you can only love the food
but you cannot love
me

somehow you just get it and then you see huge asses just fall into your lap and you just want to eat that butt

a fuck